Archive 501
Vivian Galván García
Today
By mer LI slept about 6 hours last night, nonconsecutively. It's not insanely little but not enough either. However, I still managed to physically get out of bed and exit the apartment, leaving boyfriend to sleep.
I had to get to work.
I got there on time, can you believe it?
I couldn't, it was a miracle of sorts.
Until I realized that I was in fact over 30 minutes late. I had left the apartment at the time I was supposed to be at work. So outrageously stupid yet so in character, but at least I was right.
I klacked away at the keyboard and tried not to look at the time.
I had forgotten to take my lunch with me so I had to go buy a lunch that I couldn't afford just to heat it up in the microwave that had that dead mouse in it that one time and if I die, I die.
Hey, maybe I could sue and then I could afford lunch for work everyday. Or better yet, not work at all. But I think I'd rather just be able to afford lunch.
I managed to be productive today despite the world conspiring against me. I had filed all the tax sheets and reviewed all the documents marked “needs reviewing” (i had messed them up previously)
I had now righted all my wrongs and then some!
Feeling proud, I reluctantly took off early. (I actually didn't take off early, I just didn't work longer hours for free. But it still hurts the same). I got home to find boyfriend peacefully asleep. I got in bed too, I was tired. I didn't sleep much and I felt that I could reward myself for getting so much work done.
There in bed I laid. Legs cold from walking home, Just catching my breath from the 7 flights of stairs. The thoughts started to creep in. The same ones that tend to distract me at work causing me to produce documents that “need reviewing”. Maybe I don't deserve sleep. Maybe I should just walk back to work right now. But what would I even do? I had finished everything I needed for today. But there's always something to do, and if there isn't then there is always something to improve. There's always something. Always something. I should go back. But now my legs aren’t cold anymore and I don't feel like walking back to work. Okay, maybe I'll just lay in bed and not sleep. I'll stare at the ceiling. I'll find something other to think about than the thoughts. I am in control of my own brain. I can take every thought captive, I am the captain of this ship and I will make the thoughts walk the plank. It can't be that hard, can it?
7 minutes later and it was indeed that hard.
I was restless and so desperately wanting to rest. I am my own worst enemy.
And when will I be my own best friend? You would think I would be considering that I don't have any. Some people like to learn the hard way I guess. Thick skull. Thick, thick skull. Thick and empty. Ok maybe not empty but abnormally small.
I kept thinking like this and eventually fell asleep for 3 hours.
When I woke up, boyfriend was awake and drinking coffee, watching soccer, or rugby. I couldn't tell, I didn't have my glasses on.
He asked me if i wanted coffee
“Hey, do you want any coffee”
“No my stomach is in knots”
While my stomach did hurt, I had never felt so rested. I was feeling this…. This emotion.
Could this be? Happiness? There was something in my heart making me want to smile and crack jokes. Boyfriend thinks I'm so funny, and he's right.
I wish I could feel like this forever, I thought.
Then it happened. Something clicked, something switched.
I was back
The thoughts were there as if I had never left.
I guess today is not the day.